Unemployed Kerry Staffer

Make Me an Offer I Can't Refuse

And I'll make Couch all yours.  That's right kids.  This couch, which stood by me during that one day of fame and still loved me after months and months of bad daytime TV.  This couch, which still welcomed me when the cable got shut off and staring at the walls was the only way to fill the hours.  This couch, which many a staffer has called home. This couch, which is more UKS than UKS.  This couch, which is practically a piece of campaign memorabilia.  This couch, which may or may not have a list of actual hook-ups that actually happened on the campaign (as opposed to the ones I just made up) stuffed between the cushions, is for sale to the highest bidder.

Where I'm going, Couch simply cannot follow. Go to Ebay and let the bidding begin!

Democratic Politics is a Cruel Mistress...and I Love Her.

Like many poor bastards I know*, I have been trying to date Democrfatic Politics for years. We are a pathetically besotted bunch. Our friends are like, "Dude, look around. You've got options. Don't waste yourself waiting for Dem Politics to wise up. Dem Politics just isn't that into you." We are fools, but we're not stupid. We know that PR is prettier, and that Grad School would never break our hearts, but there's just something about the enigmatic temptress that is Dem Politics. You can't help who you love.

Dem Politics for her part just keeps shooting us down, indifferent to the talent and devotion she is casting aside. Sure, every once in a while (every two or four years) Dem Politics gets drunk, finds our number, promises it will be different this time, and gets us into bed. We don't see this as her using us. We see hope. We see happiness. We kill ourselves to prove our love, to make ourselves worthy of the drunk dials. We are fools. It's never different. In the light of day(post-election), Dem Politics forgets our name, can't recall our night together, is not sure why we are still standing there. Dem Politics never buys us breakfast.

(Heavy Sigh)

Oh yeah, I took a job. I'm totally over the pathetic, depressed, and sometimes bitter former staffer thing. Really. And that whole top section on loving Dem Politics, I am obviously kidding. Obviously that would make me crazy.

And Dem Politics, if you are reading this, um, just so you know, my number is the same, so, like, you can call, if you, like, you know, um, need anything, or um, maybe if you want to get together, or whatever, you know, um, just as friends, or you know, more, er, I mean, only if you want. Anyway, so yeah, um call me. Not that I'm expecting it, I know you're busy, and uh, I am too, so whatever, yeah, uh, number's the same. Or email is fine, yeah, or you know what? I, uh, I might just check in with you, um just you know, to see what's up, in like, say, I don't know, like, maybe '06 or something? Um, just you know, cause we're friends, and um, you know, yah, uh, so ok, great, cool.

*Metaphor credit goes to BC, who shares the plight and still has a sense of humor.

When You Put It That Way...

The President has been travelling around explaining his Social Security plan, but those people out there ask the HARDEST questions!

Take this verbatim example from Tampa in Februrary.

Woman in the audience asks, "I don't really understand. How is it the new [Social Security] plan is going to fix that problem?"

Bush replies, "Because the -- all which is on the table begins to address the big cost drivers. For example, how benefits are calculated, for example, is on the table. Whether or not benefits rise based upon wage increases or price increases. There's a series of  parts of the formula that are being considered. And when you couple that, those different cost drivers, affecting those -- changing those with personal accounts, the idea is to get what has been promised more likely to be -- or closer delivered to that has been promised. Does that make any sense to you? It's kind of muddled. Look, there's a series of things that cause the -- like, for example, benefits are calculated based upon the increase of wages, as opposed to the increase of prices. Some have suggested that we calculate -- the benefits will rise based upon inflation, as opposed to wage increases.  There is already reform that would help solve the red if that were put into effect. In other words, how fast benefits grow, how fast the promised benefits grow, if those -- if that growth is affected, it will help on the red."

UKS says, "yeah, can we get another round of shots over here?"

Sarcasm is Lost on the Right

Even though it may mean nipping my congenial relationship with the Right Brothers in the bud, I feel compelled to post this email one of them sent me. It seems as heartfelt as their songs which is nice, except that I linked to them to share how ridiculous I find their songs. I won't deny it's toe-tappin' good country, but the lyrics...? "The rich man keeps the workin man workin' and alive" Alive? Fuckin' A! We're alive! What do we care if we are totally getting screwed?

On the other hand, I may just be really jealous that they have managed to turn a love of country music and an interest in politics into a career. If only I had musical talent I would follow their lead, move to Nashville, or Austin, or Willie Nelson's bus, write my songs about Donkeys kickin' corporate ass so that the workin man and even the workin woman could do more than just survive, and then I'd know I was truly livin' the dream.

Anyway, here's my brush with conservative celebrity:

Subject: The Right Brothers thank you
From: "Frank & Katie Highland
Date: Tue, Feb 22, 2005 11:15 am
To: couch@unemployedkerrystaffer.com
Dear UKS, 
Thank you for the article you posted on your site about us.  You may be the first liberal writer not to cuss us out and tell us how embarrassed you are for us. I hope there are more guys like you out there.  Would love to have met you at CPAC.  Good luck finding a job.
 
Sincerely,
Frank Highland
The Right Brothers

How the Other Half Lives

Not being of the conservative leaning the CPAC conference was not part of my weekend plans. However, I am now sad that I missed it.

Why? Two words: Right Brothers. They're a band. They played at CPAC. They rock. I heard their song "Tolerate This" and I thought it can't get better. I mean lines like "I belive in marriage (tolerate this!)/between a woman and a man (tolerate this!)" are hard to top. But then, not many bands have songs called "Trickle Down" and if they do have a song by that name they are probably not talking economics. But the Right Brothers are. Oh yeah, hot, rockin, broken economic policty. The lyrics might look like a parody, but when you listen to it, you know it's coming straight from their misguided little hearts.

They are too good to stay so secret!

This Will Be Funnier When I Have A Job

A lot of campaign staffers end up staying on somebody's couch for some amount of time. A lot of campaign staffers in turn end up with house guests who live on their couch for some amount of time. I've definitely logged my share of time on other people's couches and I've currently got a guy quite literally living in my living room. And things were great until somebody asked how the house guest was doing on his job search. I said, "He's great. He started his job last week." A whole group of people started laughing and one person said, "So the guy living on your couch has a job and you don't? That's classic!"

I thought it was hilarious too, so I went right home, kicked the guy off my couch, and told him to sleep in the chair from now on. That's not completely true. I made my intern do it.

Some of My Best Friends Have Jobs

Some of them Don't. This is an email I just received:

Discussion I just had on the phone w/ a chicago temp agency:

"What are you looking to do?"

"I don't know. What do you staff?"

"Administrative and receptionist work."

"Okay. Well, I was planning on answering phones."

"What's your background? What employment field are you coming from?"

"Politics."

"And what was your position?"

"Press. Sort of."

"So you have no administrative experience or experience as a receptionist."

"Well, that's what I meant by sort of. I mean, at the level I was at, I was basically a receptionist. That's basically all I've ever done."

"But it doesn't say that on your resume? What were you hired to do?"

"Look, I can answer phones and file shit. That's what I want to do."

"Well, I can't place you if you've never actually been a receptionist. With all due respect, that's different from answering phones. You'll have to call another agency."

So it looks like I didn't get the temp gig either.

***When asked if it was okay to post this the friend replied, "at this point, feel free to put my picture next to it in an orange hat and a clown nose." If I had one of those I would have used it back when people actually read this thing.

Didn't We See This Movie Last Year?

So I've been seeing phrases like "inevitable" and "can anybody stop him" attached to Howard Dean recently, and I can't help but wonder if this sounds a little familiar to anybody else? It's like a lower budget sequel to last year's big blockbuster. Um, ok, so maybe after running for President, running for DNC Chair is more like a Direct to Video release or maybe even the made for TV movie. Still it feels a little spooky.

And still I can't shake the deja vu. I'm well aware that other people have made this comparison to last year and I gotta wonder, has anybody over there at Camp Dean been assigned the job of Director of Watching for Falling Sky? Is there room in the budget to get everybody a hard hat? I'm sure they come in orange.

Interns Make the World Go Round

Everybody's got one.  And I don't see any reason why I shouldn't have one.  Or maybe two.  So if you or someone you know would like to do most of the work at UKS, get paid nothing, and then characterize it on your resume in a way that makes it sound like you did something important, please see application below.

UKS Intern Application

1. What DVD's do you own?

2. (a.) Which UKS post do you most identify with?

2. (b.) Do you hate all the posts and see this as an opportunity to improve/take over UKS?

3. Do you think anybody is still reading this blog?

Email Applications to couch@unemployedkerrystaffer.com

5 FAQ's

Q. What are you up to now?
A. Nothing. Well, you know, looking for a job...

Q. What are you looking to do?
A. I don't want to have this conversation with you. I don't even want to have this conversation with myself.

Q. What did you do today?
A. (Sigh) This is what I'm doing today.

Q. What do you have against Donnie Fowler?
A. You read all the entries and that is what you want to ask me about?

Q. When are you going to update your blog?
A. Gimme a dollar.