Unemployed Kerry Staffer

So This is Christmas

So This is Christmas.
And What Have I Done?
Another Year Older
And the Bad Guys Have Just Won.

Campaign refugees planning on seeing friends and family this weekend know that they must brace themselves for two questions: “What happened?” Followed closely by “What are you going to do now?”

It’s a one-two punch that may or may not go a little like this. A politically inclined uncle will rip off the campaign scab with the first question and then once several people have weighed in with what the campaign should have done instead, namely win, and once the wound is nice and exposed a well meaning aunt will deliver the salt of the second question.

Then when you’re good and depressed again you are free to go hang out with your friends. You know, those friends who only see you when you are unemployed. Those friends who only have a vague idea of what it is you do and stopped paying attention to what city you live in 3 cities ago. Said friends will repeat the two-question process with less campaign rehash, but with more salt (dude that must really suck to be looking for a job again!).

This year I’m totally ready for it. I plan on lying the whole time.

It's Hard Work

And searching for a job is really cutting into the amount of time I can devote to full time unemployment. No one's going to just hand the job to you. It's never just drinks, or just lunch, or just an interview. This is politics. You have to lay the ground work. There's the people you need to meet and the people who need a to be asked to call the people you need to meet. And you always have to round back, the loop always needs to be closed.

But then, I've known this is the way it works from the beginning. This is the reality of the life I choose to lead. I mean really, it's not as if I thought I could just coast my way to DNC Chair for God's sake!

Breaking News: Joe-publican Lives

It's hard to work on a campaign and lose. It must be really hard to be a candidate and lose. But the buzz around one former Presidential candidate gives me hope. Much like my feelings toward DonnIE, the return of Joe-publican Lieberman to the national news makes me think that absolutely everybody can bounce back.

Word on the street has it that Joe Lieberman is in a statistical dead heat for head of the DHS. Some fool tried to tell me that a statistical dead heat wasn't possible in such an instance, but I figure if you can claim one after the votes are all counted in New Hampshire, it might as well work in this case too.

UKS For DNC Chair

When you are unemployed you do some crazy things. Eat “breakfast” at 1pm. Switch to a bi-weekly shower schedule. Talk back to the TV - when it’s not on. And, in my particular case, spend a lot of time thinking about the DNC chair race.

And here’s what I’ve realized:
* Half of the current field lost their last election: Dean, Frost, Kirk, Blanchard
* One guy failed in his last major endeavor: Ickes
* Most of the rest I don’t remember and can’t be bothered to look up right now.

And that leaves one fellow standing. Donnie Fowler.

Let’s set aside the fact that the man is running to serve as the head of a major political party and his name ends in “ie.” No, what I’m most focused on is the fact that Donnie’s last job was on the Kerry campaign. And that his current job is... Well, he doesn’t have one.

Which means that DonnIE is running to become the next Chairman of the Democratic Party on the basis of being an unemployed Kerry staffer.

Initially, I considered endorsing DonnIE on that basis alone. But upon further reflection, I came to this conclusion: If he can run, and he’s an unemployed Kerry staffer, then so can I.

So today, ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to announce that I am running to serve as the next Chair of the Democratic National Committee. That’s right, I’m in it to win it, or at least until I find gainful employment, or I get sort of bored by the idea.

Oh, and one last thing, I also am officially challenging DonnIE to a formal debate. And by formal I do not really mean formal because I have not been to the drycleaners in forever.

Case of the Mondays?

In celebration of Monday, which is apparently today, (and looking forward to being overserved) we here at UKS want to offer something that some of you might actually find useful. This comprehensive spreadsheet, tabbed by day and sorted by location, may well be the bible of happy hours and specials in the DC area.

RT, who might be my favorite reader, sent this along to help out with my "strategic planning for financial security" with the warning that it might be a bit out of date. That's a risk I'm willing to take. Enjoy.

Download happy_hour_list-1.xls

Chair-stakes: Who's the Real Winner?

The real winner when it comes to Chair-stakes may not be the person who gets to use the title of DNC Chair for the next four years, but the people and groups who become empowered by their victory. This is a little game I like to call "Who Stands to Gain."

IF THE CHAIR IS... THE WINNER IS...
Harold Ickes: Shadows (and the Speedo Corporation)
James Blanchard: Michigan Caucuses
Wellington Webb: Alliteration
Howard Dean: Orange Hats
Donnie Fowler: The South
Ron Kirk: Texas Democrats
Simon Rosenberg: People who fear orange hats
Martin Frost: Texas Democrats who don't like Ron Kirk

If We Are All Losers, What Does That Make Our Leader?

Today's post? The suspense, the intrigue and the excitement surrounding the DNC Chair-stakes. Yeah!
Um... Aside from baby-face Donny Fowler - who I swear would look more comfortable on TV if he would just give in and end every sentence with the word "dude" - I honestly struggle to remember the contestants...er...candidates. But people do care and seem to remember names as well. The Washington press cares. MoveOn cares. The Democratic Governor's Association cares. John Edwards cares.
And if the elite media, an activist group, a political committee and a guy with such good hair all care about an issue at the same time, two things are for certain:
1. They will disagree
2. No one else in America will care one iota.
Unless, of course, all the DNC chair wannabees were forced to live in a "reality-tv" house complete with cameras, a confessional, and that one wild card housemate that America loves to hate.

And actually, it's quite possible this is one of those shows. After all, these guys all think they're after something really good (like respect or power) but actually they are competing to be blamed, ridiculed, and frustrated (granted the Chair's office has it's own bathroom complete with shower! You talk about perks!). Is there a chance this show could turn out to be one of those heartwarming reality shows where in the end we see that the duck is a swan, the average guy is exceptional, we are all winners, the DNC becomes united, and effectively leads a progressive coalition to victory after victory? Perhaps this is asking too much of REALITY TV, but whatever happened to "you get what you ask for?"

Pool Report: War Couch

At 7:15 this morning your Pooler, dressed in blue pajamas, called roll for the new war room in the living room. Attendance was sparse. Attendance was zero. Your Pooler called roll again at 10. Attendence was slightly improved. Our numbers now sit at one. Your Pooler is ready to rapidly respond to emails/phone calls. So far, this has not been an issue. At all. Pooler begins to think that this war room gig is going to be about as interesting as some of the other war rooms Pooler has been around. Pooler panics at thought of boring readers that much. Pooler resolves to get better material by afternoon. For your sake and mine.

War Room Meets Living Room

I've decided I would feel a little better with a little more structure to my days. So I'm setting up a War Room in my living room. I plan to take on the role of rapid responder...to emails. And I will be enlisting other unemployed people to help me out. (Everybody knows a war room definitely isn't a war room without people IMing people in the room about other people in the room).

We'll have media monitors (monitoring what movies are on TV) and maybe a team to concentrate solely on strategic planning for financial security (mapping out which bars have the best deals on which nights.) Another person can act as career counselor, asking for weekly reports and demanding accountability. (This last person will be the least popular and the first to leave the War Room for actual job.) We will be efficient, if not productive. We will sit on the war couch, in the war living room, and we will claw our way back to pay-checks.

Dear Phil is the new Dear John

So anyways, I've started reading the news again. Scanning the news really. And by news, I basically mean I'm looking for any mention that someone I know has gotten a job - so I can remind that employed person that I know them.
You all know what I'm talking about. How many kiss-assy emails has Phil Singer (who I always thought did an awesome job!) fielded this past week? And how many could be boiled down to: "Dear Phil, I would have been nicer during the campaign but I thought we were going to win and other people would be more important than you. My bad. Let's grab coffee sometime."